My Perfectionism is Unglued

"Are you good at gluing?"

This is a real question asked to me by one of my JTEs (Japanese Teacher of English) this week. I offered to help her glue the covers onto the songbooks she had copied for the 9th grade teachers (including me! Yaaay!) to use when we sang at the Farewell Assembly for the 9th graders, who are graduating next week. I wanted to believe that this question was a joke.....but I didn't really think it was. Despite it being a serious question, I couldn't think of a serious way to respond. All I came up with was an out-loud-laugh and a sarcastic, "Yes, I'm an expert at it." ;D I mean, seriously!! Are you kidding me?!?! AM I GOOD AT GLUING??? Do you think I'm an idiot? Apparently. Do you have any idea about my life? I am a trained teacher. I moved halfway around the world by myself. I live in a foreign culture where everything is complicated and hard to understand. Do you have any idea what I did to get this job? I completed a quarter-inch thick application-- including essays, recommendation letters, transcripts, fingerprints, a background check by the FBI-- in triplicate. I was interviewed intensely by a panel at the Japanese consulate who asked me everything from how I feel about women's rights...and how I'd feel about being asked to serve tea...to how I'd adjust to the role of assisting teachers in their classrooms when I was accustomed to being an independent teacher in my own classroom...how I'd introduce myself to students in simple English...and how I'd explain American foreign policy to Japanese high school students with limited English ability. I was all of a sudden confronted with one of the interviewers speaking Japanese to me-- Japanese that I didn't understand. But nowhere in that insanely long screening and selection process was I ever asked, "Are you good at gluing?"

Like I mentioned in my previous post, this experience in Japan has helped me recognize my own culture. And I think it is actually one of the best things about this whole experience-- partly because it was so unexpected...and partly because this overarching knowledge will affect the rest of my life. I mean, I came to Japan expecting to learn about Japanese culture and Japanese people's ways of doing things, but it has come as a really big surprise to me that I've learned so much about American culture and myself. A great surprise! =)

And in the case of Ms. AreYouGoodAtGluing-- a terrible surprise. ;[ This is a teacher who is an eXtReMe perfectionist. (Except of course when it comes to creating worksheets with awkward and wrong English and THEN asking me to check them 5 minutes before class, and when I point out 2 or 3 of the several English problems, responding with, "Well, I've already copied them, so I can't change it." When I dare to point out one more serious error that shouldn't be presented to students on a worksheet, she says, defensively, "Okay, that's enough.") Anyways, back to the point. This is a teacher who thinks that her way of doing things is the right way and that no one else can do as good of a job as her. So even if I am good at gluing, if it's not her way of gluing, it's not acceptable. We recently started a point card system where kids can earn stamps on their point card if they answer questions in class or initiate English conversation outside of class. She was really reluctant to allow me to stamp kids' cards instead of telling her who initiated English conversation so she could stamp their cards. Sometimes I do stamp their cards, but if she's around I'm a bit nervous about it. (!!!) Tolerating such condescending, micromanaging, I-can't-trust-you-with-anything treatment from her for the past 2 years has been terrible! Being a semi-perfectionist, like-to-have-things-done-my-way, excessively-attentive-to-inconsequential-details-person myself, I can relate to this teacher. THIS is terrible...to realize that I have been guilty of making other people feel as terrible as she makes me feel. UGH!! Working with her and being on the other side of the situation has been like a mirror reflecting the light back to the base of my light house (see post from Feb. 9). It makes me want to abandon my tendency toward very specific expectations and give people the trust and freedom to do things their way, even if it's not my way. Even though I REALLY like details to be attended to in certain ways ;D I REALLY, REALLY never want to make anyone feel like this perfectionist makes me feel. Although this isn't a lesson in American culture, it is a valuable lesson about myself...and I'm thankful for the experience.

Re-entry into Japanese Life, part 2

Upon my re-entry into Japanese school life I was INSTANTLY bombarded with the awkwardness, intensified from it's initial shock because I wasn't expecting it at all this time...I wasn't on guard-- anticipating culture shock at every turn like when I first came here. How quickly I had forgotten! For two weeks (while home for break) there was no hint of awkwardness or internal wrestling regarding how to deal with it, how to respond. Then-- like a time-travel instant transplantation, I'm right back in it! Shohei not even looking up to make eye contact when I walk in to take my seat across from him, where our faces will be 4 1/2 feet apart for the next 7 hours-- let alone saying "Hi" or "How was your trip?" Later came the uncomfortable uncertainty of wanting to go to lunch but feeling trapped because it seems like I should say something-- like, "I'm going to get lunch"...and, best case scenario (i.e. most naturally me), "Do you want me to bring you anything?" But, but no one does that, so then the other option-- which is probably (apparently!) not uncomfortable for anyone but me-- is to leave without a word. After several minutes of considering...and killing time...hoping everyone else will just leave before me-- and even though that will present an additional awkward situation itself, it will be more manageable than the current situation-- so that I won't have to make either choice, I just leave in silence. (Oh! Life is too short for me to spend such exhaustive time on such inconsequential matters.)

Lessons in Communication

I have learned about so many aspects of communication this year. The "Communicator" IB (International Baccalaureate) Profile card that used to hang in my classroom flashes in my memory time and time again. I keep thinking that I will be a better IB teacher or any teacher after this time in Japan. I guess, though, the point of the IB Profile of Communicator is to develop not teachers who can teach communication, but people who can communicate...which is something I can do better than I did a year ago.

Lessons:

#1. If+I+want+your+help+I+will+tell+you. does not equal "If I want your help I will tell you."

I was SO shocked when one of the English teachers gave this reply when I offered to help her with a project that was keeping her busy. After about an hour of replaying the scene in my mind and trying to process my feelings-- of shock, hurt, annoyance-- I suddenly realized that to a non-native speaker of English, those words mean just what they say...that if she wanted my help.....she'd tell me. To native speakers-- in this case, me-- that sentence means more than the sum total of its parts. It means, "I DON'T want or need your help!! Back off!" Languages are tough.

#2. To communicate in Japanese I have to use more than Japanese words. I have to use a Japanese mind.

When I ask a Starbucks employee if they have Chai Cream Frappuchinos, and she responds by saying that they have Chai Tea Lattes...and then I say (using Japanese words), "So you don't have them?", forcing her to clarify by saying, "No", I am not speaking Japanese. I am using Japanese words to speak English, which is direct-- and entirely un-Japanese-- and which coerces a Japanese service industry employee into saying "No"-- which is even less Japanese.

#2b. To speak a foreign language, you can't just think of what you want to say in your own language and translate it into the same words in the foreign language and then say them.

When people say, "Thank you" to me I often reply with, "Of course!" If someone thanks me in Japanese, and I reply with the Japanese word for "of course", I sound dumb. Correspondingly, if Japanese people in America directly translated the Japanese words they want to say into English words, we'd have people walking into my American elementary school greeting Shannon and Nancy by saying, "I am under your care." Whaaaat?! That's crazy talk! "I am under your care??!!" What does that even mean?!

#4. It is impossible to understand Japanese people better by intently watching their lips.

If I'm having trouble hearing someone who's speaking English in a quiet voice or trouble understanding someone who speaks Engish with a think Irish accent, I can improve my comprehension by watching and semi-reading their lips. This does NOT work in Japanese. It is unnecessary and even strange to move your mouth much when speaking Japanese.

#5. Personality is largely expressed through communication.

Before this year I think I would have said that "personality" is how someone acts. Not being able to easily communicate with people around me-- because my Japanese skills are rudimentary, as are their English skills-- has produced a quieter version of Mya. It's a Mya who doesn't feel like the real me, a me who feels trapped in a personality that is not my own-- a quiet, non-joking, non-friendly Mya. Which really isn't a Mya at all. It's hard to be me when I can't communicate with words.