My Perfectionism is Unglued

"Are you good at gluing?"

This is a real question asked to me by one of my JTEs (Japanese Teacher of English) this week. I offered to help her glue the covers onto the songbooks she had copied for the 9th grade teachers (including me! Yaaay!) to use when we sang at the Farewell Assembly for the 9th graders, who are graduating next week. I wanted to believe that this question was a joke.....but I didn't really think it was. Despite it being a serious question, I couldn't think of a serious way to respond. All I came up with was an out-loud-laugh and a sarcastic, "Yes, I'm an expert at it." ;D I mean, seriously!! Are you kidding me?!?! AM I GOOD AT GLUING??? Do you think I'm an idiot? Apparently. Do you have any idea about my life? I am a trained teacher. I moved halfway around the world by myself. I live in a foreign culture where everything is complicated and hard to understand. Do you have any idea what I did to get this job? I completed a quarter-inch thick application-- including essays, recommendation letters, transcripts, fingerprints, a background check by the FBI-- in triplicate. I was interviewed intensely by a panel at the Japanese consulate who asked me everything from how I feel about women's rights...and how I'd feel about being asked to serve tea...to how I'd adjust to the role of assisting teachers in their classrooms when I was accustomed to being an independent teacher in my own classroom...how I'd introduce myself to students in simple English...and how I'd explain American foreign policy to Japanese high school students with limited English ability. I was all of a sudden confronted with one of the interviewers speaking Japanese to me-- Japanese that I didn't understand. But nowhere in that insanely long screening and selection process was I ever asked, "Are you good at gluing?"

Like I mentioned in my previous post, this experience in Japan has helped me recognize my own culture. And I think it is actually one of the best things about this whole experience-- partly because it was so unexpected...and partly because this overarching knowledge will affect the rest of my life. I mean, I came to Japan expecting to learn about Japanese culture and Japanese people's ways of doing things, but it has come as a really big surprise to me that I've learned so much about American culture and myself. A great surprise! =)

And in the case of Ms. AreYouGoodAtGluing-- a terrible surprise. ;[ This is a teacher who is an eXtReMe perfectionist. (Except of course when it comes to creating worksheets with awkward and wrong English and THEN asking me to check them 5 minutes before class, and when I point out 2 or 3 of the several English problems, responding with, "Well, I've already copied them, so I can't change it." When I dare to point out one more serious error that shouldn't be presented to students on a worksheet, she says, defensively, "Okay, that's enough.") Anyways, back to the point. This is a teacher who thinks that her way of doing things is the right way and that no one else can do as good of a job as her. So even if I am good at gluing, if it's not her way of gluing, it's not acceptable. We recently started a point card system where kids can earn stamps on their point card if they answer questions in class or initiate English conversation outside of class. She was really reluctant to allow me to stamp kids' cards instead of telling her who initiated English conversation so she could stamp their cards. Sometimes I do stamp their cards, but if she's around I'm a bit nervous about it. (!!!) Tolerating such condescending, micromanaging, I-can't-trust-you-with-anything treatment from her for the past 2 years has been terrible! Being a semi-perfectionist, like-to-have-things-done-my-way, excessively-attentive-to-inconsequential-details-person myself, I can relate to this teacher. THIS is terrible...to realize that I have been guilty of making other people feel as terrible as she makes me feel. UGH!! Working with her and being on the other side of the situation has been like a mirror reflecting the light back to the base of my light house (see post from Feb. 9). It makes me want to abandon my tendency toward very specific expectations and give people the trust and freedom to do things their way, even if it's not my way. Even though I REALLY like details to be attended to in certain ways ;D I REALLY, REALLY never want to make anyone feel like this perfectionist makes me feel. Although this isn't a lesson in American culture, it is a valuable lesson about myself...and I'm thankful for the experience.

The base of the lighthouse is the darkest.

Yesterday on her way past my desk and out of the staff room to go to the weekly staff meeting (which I don't attend), 荒木先生 Araki Sensei said-- in her endearing way-- "Mya, bye." = ) Then 藤井先生 Fujii Sensei followed and raised her hand in a dramatic wave and proudly busted out the three words of English she knows, "See you again!" This was the happiest moment of my day. I had actually had a good day with many happy moments, but this surpassed them. To be called by name...to be addressed by someone who doesn't have a specific need to talk to me, but does anyway...these are the makings of a happy moment. It reminded me of my trip home during Christmas...and that I still haven't written about it.

Each time I go home-- to the States-- I notice something different...things I never noticed when I lived there...things for which I previously had no lens of comparison through which I could see them. At one of the first training seminars I went to soon after arriving in Japan the keynote speaker said, "The base of the lighthouse is darkest." At the time, I considered it for a moment and thought it was kinda interesting...kinda. Now, 2 1/2 years later, after having gone back and forth between Japanese life/culture and American life/culture several times, I'm blown away by the reality of this comparison. My experience in Japan can now light the base of the lighthouse of my American life experience. This past trip home the thing that stood out to me most was HOW FRIENDLY AMERICANS ARE!!! I mean, seriously! I was really in disbelief! えっ！　アメリカ人はいつもこんなにフレンドリーだったん？！ Woah! Have Americans always been this friendly?!

I went to the dentist-- a new dentist, whose office I'd never been to before-- on Friday, the day after I arrived in the States. Then I had to go back on Monday for a follow-up visit. When I walked into the dentist office Monday morning, the receptionist immediately beamed, "Hi Mya! How was your weekend?" !!! "Hi Mya...How was your weekend?"...!!???! NO ONE EVER says that to me! (Well, actually...two of my closest friends here, Matsumura San and Shiyo, both of whom have lived in the States, do ask me.) Within a few minutes the dental office staff knew more about me than the people I work with and sit next to in my Japanese school staff room EVERY DAY. Crazy! I was soooo happy! This was THE BEST way to start off my time at home in the States. It was a striking reawakening of my senses to the friendliness and openness of Americans.

When I went to the bank to exchange my ￥ for $, both tellers who helped me asked right away if I had come from Japan...how long I've been here...what it's like to be in Japan...if the shopping is good...what I do here...if I can speak Japanese. "Wow! That must be so exciting!" they said. One of them told me all about the experience she and her husband had when they lived overseas many years ago. I thought to myself: 'Personal interactions like this would never happen in a Japanese bank.' (Although, if I-- a blond foreigner-- initiated such conversations with Japanese bank staff, they may go along with it. If they're extremely friendly by Japanese standards, they'll think of a question to ask in response to me initiating a conversation.)

As my dad and I were walking out of the bank my dad said, "Hi", to a lady we passed. I knew he didn't know her. Well...I thought he probably didn't know her....But....he just said, "Hi", to her...it seems like he must know her...no I'm sure he doesn't...my dad's just friendly...but, REALLY? I couldn't completely convince myself and fight off the temptation to ask, "Do you know her?" Of course the answer was, "No". Of course, but still hard to believe. Americans say, "Hi", to people they don't know. Again, Japanese strangers greet me-- a blond foreigner who gives them a chance to put to use the English words they remember from jr. high-- but I don't think they ever do this with each other. And unless they're obaasans or ojiisans (around retirement age or older), according to my Japanese teacher, they probably think I'm strange if I greet them first.

I love when Araki Sensei talks to me. She uses a few words of English, and I can tell she's happy to connect with me. She'll never know how much of an impact those few words and her smile have on me-- an American working in Japan...the only American in our school-- surrounded by 580 Japanese staff and students every day.

Thank you God for such a great day!...continued...

The other great things about Wednesday (Ha! "other"-- as though saying "goukan" instead of "gouka" (as I described in my previous post) can be called a great thing!) were: that I had several LONG, interesting, meaningful conversations with teachers... 岡田先生　Okada Sensei-- who I wish could be my father-in-law-- and I, along with 前川さん　Maekawa San sometimes joining in, talked about the difference between priests and pastors, Protestant and Catholic beliefs, God's grace and His love that doesn't have to be earned, the history of Christianity in Japan (click here to read some for yourself), 隠れキリシタン-- "hidden Christians" who lived their faith in secret while Christianity was banned in Japan, the mirrors and statues they made that secretly depicted Jesus and other Christian images, difficult to understand Bible translations and modern/easier to understand translations...He told me that he has rented and watched many DVDs that show Bible stories (because they're easier to understand than actually reading the Bible) and that he's really interested in the stories! We talked about having faith, building trust with God like we build trust with people, and I got to show him 1 Corinthians 1:25- "For the foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of men, and the weakness of God is stronger than the strength of men." (!!!! It was so great!) A couple times during this morning-long conversation he joked, 'Maybe I'll become a Christian today.' Please, PLEASE pray for him! Although Maekawa San was busy working and only joined the conversation intermittently, she overheard all of it...please pray for her too. This conversation left me with about 13 minutes to do some actual work before

It was time to go to lunch with 下田先生　Shimoda Sensei...which was another great thing about the day. As a foreigner, as a non-native Japanese speaker, as a person who teaches all grade levels and thus doesn't have a grade level team to be automatically included with, as a person who rides a bike instead of driving a car and thus can't invite people out to lunch...days without school lunch (days the students are on vacation, but the teachers work) are often stressful-- all morning wondering if anyone will invite you to lunch with them...hoping someone will invite you to lunch with them...hoping you won't feel like a tag-along...sometimes hoping they won't invite you because you don't want to go to the restaurant they're considering going to, and you know that as the foreigner/non-team member/bike rider you won't have any say in the decision and you'd really be happier just going home for lunch or grabbing some fast food at a grocery store. SO, it put me at great ease when shortly after I got to school Shimoda Sensei asked if I wanted to go out to lunch together and then suggested one of my favorite restaurants, which I had introduced to her the last time we went out. (Can I say that? that I "introduced a restaurant" to her? In Japanese, that's how you say it: introduce. Although it doesn't sound too weird to me now...I remember thinking before that it was weird English. Man, it's crazy how messed up your head gets with your own first language when you don't hear it constantly!)

In the afternoon when 秋山先生　Akiyama Sensei was passing by my desk, I asked him how his New Year's was. This led to another surprisingly long (all afternoon long!) conversation. It went from the coat he bought for 50% off and how Japanese people are really into name brands (apparently the 7th grade women teachers in particular! ;) shhh!), but teachers are mostly rather plain in their fashion choices (shhh!) to how he's seen on TV how Americans spend Christmas with their families and he thinks that's surprising and how I think it's weird that Japanese people go on dates for Christmas because there's no connection to the real meaning of Christmas...but then I thought, well, non-Christians in America "celebrate Christmas" and those celebrations don't connect to the real meaning of Christmas either, at which point his eyes got big and he said in disbelief: 'There are Americans who aren't Christians?!?!', 'Yeah!! Most Americans aren't Christians!', 'Most??!!', 'Well, less than half...I mean, if you asked them many people would say they're Christians, but...' Then he asked if the others were Muslims. Yes, there are Muslims...Jews, Buddhists, Atheists (a term he'd never heard before (in Japanese))...many different people. Then he said, it must be hard if you get married to someone who believes something different from you. I told him that a devout Christian probably wouldn't marry a non-Christian. We talked about Christians in Japan, the history of Christianity in Japan (twice in one day!!?), Christian schools in Japan, one of our students who wants to go to a Christian school, how most Japanese kids who go to Christian schools aren't Christians but some become Christians during their time at those schools. Around this time, 清水先生 Shimizu Sensei was passing by and asked what we were talking about. She joined the conversation, and we talked about a million other things...how she went to a Christian preschool, how during college she used to go to church with her friends and sing, and how everyone at church was soo nice, and how Japanese people mix Buddhism and Shinto (Akiyama Sensei had also never heard of Shintoism!! What?! This is the indigenous and former national religion of Japan. And most Japanese weddings are conducted at shrines in the Shinto tradition. I'm shocked that he doesn't know about this!), about sects of Buddhism and denominations of Christianity. The conversation somehow turned to Akiyama Sensei and how he's uncertain about his future. 'Uncertain about what?', I ask. 'Whoa, you're just gonna ask like that??', he replied, taken aback. With all this normal conversation and lack of awkwardness going on all day, I felt so comfortable and must have forgotten that I was talking to a Japanese person!! 'Oh! Okay, I won't ask, since you're Japanese...but Americans ask that kind of question.' To him, it must have seemed like such a personal question, even though to a typical American it would seem really off to hear a friend say that they're worried about a lot of things, but not follow up with a question. (Right?) Then Shimizu Sensei said, 'It's okay to ask Japanese people. They can just answer what they want to and don't have to say what they don't want to.' It was a relief and a pleasant surprise to hear her say that. I was feeling really bad about stepping out of line (LOL!) and making Akiyama Sensei feel on-the-spot. He went on to say that he's concerned about...jobs...passing the R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S exam process for Japanese teachers...not being married yet, and Shimizu Sensei saying that although she got married when she was 24 she thinks it's better to get married later (Akiyama Sensei is almost 29). And on and on the conversation went. Becoming a teacher in America, speaking English, English education in Japan, motivation to learn a language. I really can't believe how long we talked. At one point I think I went into career counseling mode and was suggesting job possibilities to Akiyama Sensei. I learned that there aren't full-time collegiate sports coaches (well, at least not for volleyball) in Japan.

These conversations made my day so fulfilling; and I really don't know how they happened. I feel like I could have just as likely (MORE likely) sat at my desk all day with barely anyone talking to me. I mean, it's not only me...it's not like everyone is chatting it up with each other and ignoring me...it's just that conversations like this don't seem very common at all amongst teachers at school. It was such a surprise! I seriously got about 20 minutes of work done the entire day...and I even stayed an hour late. I remember my first day back last year was like a slap in the face. The silence. The lack of questions from people (i.e. How was your trip home? and so on). THE AWKWARDNESS. But this first day back was まったく違う entirely different. hmm... It was great! Thanks, God!

Before I left, Akiyama Sensei came back to my desk and said quietly, 'Thanks for asking what I'm concerned about.' =) Soo pleasantly surprising! They do want to be asked questions! (??)

最後に Lastly, it is really exciting to realize that other than lunch with Shimoda Sensei, these conversations were 99% in Japanese. !! I mean, my Japanese really is so rudimentary (really.) but it's cool to be able to notice that I spoke and listened to Japanese for hours straight, on so many different topics. :) よかった。 I realize this is a reeaaaally long post: sorry if you're bored. I suspect it's impossible for people who haven't lived this life to understand the impact that a day like this can have...but I wrote a lot because all of this meant a lot.

kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu -- 今年もよろしくお願いします

"Thank you God for such a great day!" are the words that popped out of my mouth as I got home after work today. I have so many things to write about...my student's test from a month or so ago...my trip home and all that I realized and appreciated...my trip back to Japan and my New Year's here. But, if I don't write about today now, it will soon be added to the list of things I've been meaning to write about. So, I'll write about today for now and then go back to those other topics even though the non-chronological order is, in the back of my mind, driving me crazy. ;D

Today was such a great day. It was much different from my first-day-back-after-break-in-America last year. There wasn't any awkwardness. WELL...actually there was, but not the usual kind. Today's moment of awkwardness came when Nakazatomi Sensei (a.k.a. Super Man) asked if Shimoda Sensei and I went to a such and such place for lunch. I repeated the such with a questioning intonation, "goukan?" Nakazatomi Sensei and the other 9th grade teachers instantly burst into laughter. Oh no! I obviously didn't hear him correctly, and what I did hear is apparently inappropriate to be questioning out loud in the staff room. OhNoOhNo! What did I say?! I instantly reach for my electronic dictionary. Nakazatomi Sensei repeats, "gouka", but at this point I'm much more concerned with finding the meaning of the word I said. Next to me, Shimoda Sensei (the 9th grade English teacher) is bent over in laughter. This is embarrassing. When the definition of goukan comes up on the screen, I'm shocked and more embarrassed. I turn to the 9th grade teachers, bow, and-- through laughter-- say, "sheetsureishimashita" -- I'm sorry...Excuse my mistake. "Goukan" means "rape". Oh no! Next I look up what Nakazatomi Sensei said and found that "gouka" means "luxurious", "deluxe", etc. "Did you go to a fancy restaurant?", is what he was asking. Wow! That was awkward. YET, yet, far less so than the usual awkwardness I experience here...especially on a first day back after break when the typical lack of interaction with the coworkers I sit merely feet from all day is even more shocking after having been in friendly and free America. There is much more to tell about this day, but not enough time now (as is always the case)...To be continued...

You Can't Be Serious! part 2

Here's yet another "Are you kidding me?!" moment.

'What is this?', you may ask, 'An empty pack of gum taped to a piece of paper?!'

Yes!

But a closer look will reveal that this display of an empty pack of gum taped to a piece of paper is actually something more. It is evidence and documentation of a flagrant violation. For this is not just any gum package. It's a gum package that was found on school property. *The audience gasps.* This could only mean one thing-- a student brought gum to school. The currently known facts are scrawled: On February 5th (Friday), attached gum package was found during cleaning time. Location: 7th grade hallway, near the entrance to the gym. At this time, no further details are known.

In an unexpected turn of events during the morning staff meeting, in between Kouchou Sensei's (the principal) entirely predictable speech about nothing and Hoshino Sensei's blurb about the intranet training for teachers, "Exhibit A" was held up for public viewing and notification. In a simultaneously serious and exasperated tone, the details were disseminated, and we were all cautioned to be on the lookout for other such contraband. It was then posted in the staff room for all to see...and be reminded. (Note: Lest you be misled by the drama of this scenario, I want to reassure you that no weapons, drugs, or cigarettes were involved. The only one who's been found with cigarettes at school is Kouchou Sensei, and it's no secret where he is-- in the alley next to the gym.)

Despite its prominent display, I had to wait a long time to get a photo of this evidence and accompanying documentation. It was posted next to the desk of the double agent-- teacher-by-day, Yakuza-by-night-- Zakamatsu Sensei, who is apparently in charge of rule violation notification at my school. And undoubtedly, taking such a photo is against some unwritten rule. So, I considered, and plotted, and waited, and weighed the risks, and on a Monday afternoon when the staff room was nearly empty, thanks to all the real teachers being in the weekly staff meeting, and while the librarian and building manager distracted each other with chatting in the opposite corner of the room, I went for it! Thus, I present for your shock and awe: Exhibit A.

Another page from my school journal

1/6/10
3:28 and 57 seconds p.m.

Happiest moment of my day!!! Takei Sensei said, "Mya, さよなら (sayonara)" when leaving. I am the only one he greeted by name or specific comment even though other teachers were close by. :) (Life as a foreigner is soooo strange, ね?! I can't believe how happy such an interaction can make me.)

Re-entry into Japanese Life, part 2

Upon my re-entry into Japanese school life I was INSTANTLY bombarded with the awkwardness, intensified from it's initial shock because I wasn't expecting it at all this time...I wasn't on guard-- anticipating culture shock at every turn like when I first came here. How quickly I had forgotten! For two weeks (while home for break) there was no hint of awkwardness or internal wrestling regarding how to deal with it, how to respond. Then-- like a time-travel instant transplantation, I'm right back in it! Shohei not even looking up to make eye contact when I walk in to take my seat across from him, where our faces will be 4 1/2 feet apart for the next 7 hours-- let alone saying "Hi" or "How was your trip?" Later came the uncomfortable uncertainty of wanting to go to lunch but feeling trapped because it seems like I should say something-- like, "I'm going to get lunch"...and, best case scenario (i.e. most naturally me), "Do you want me to bring you anything?" But, but no one does that, so then the other option-- which is probably (apparently!) not uncomfortable for anyone but me-- is to leave without a word. After several minutes of considering...and killing time...hoping everyone else will just leave before me-- and even though that will present an additional awkward situation itself, it will be more manageable than the current situation-- so that I won't have to make either choice, I just leave in silence. (Oh! Life is too short for me to spend such exhaustive time on such inconsequential matters.)

Re-entry into Japanese Life, part 1

Re-entry into Japanese life, after having spent two weeks on vacation in Mexico and the States, is challenging. Shocking even. I don't have much time now, so I will just briefly share a few of the shocking expriences: This week was the first time this winter I had to scrape ice-- yes, I said ice-- off of my bike seat before riding to work. And this week was the first time this winter that I wore long johns to work. Am I a lumberjack?, you may ask. No, no I'm not. I'm a teacher. This week was also the first time this winter I recall seeing Takei Sensei wearing a full length, insulated winter coat. He was not snowboarding in the mountains. He was not coaching a soccer game in a snow storm. He was making copies...in the copy room.

From my school journal

Today in my school journal I wrote, "I feign boredom. Even though I am excited to see people." This is because people here generally don't greet each other warmly on a daily basis...so I will seem.....what?? weird? over the top? needy? different?-- if I show my honest happiness at seeing my co-workers. 'Why does it matter, though?', I thought. I am determined to be authentic with people even though its expression will be noticeably different than everyone else-- which is looked upon unfavorably in this culture-- because despite being different I don't think it could legitimately be categorized as offensive. It might be categorized as weird...but I'm hoping just for "different"...for "pleasantly surprising"...for Japanese people to know that I really am happy to see them, that they are important-- even if no one else lets them know that.

Another "I can't believe this is my real life" Moment

In schools in Japan, teachers and students all brush their teeth after lunch. The progression of my thoughts and experience with this reached an unexpected peak last week. When I started working here, I was surprised to see everyone brushing their teeth at school. It was especially interesting that teachers were all standing around or sitting at their desks in the staff room. In the staff room?! It seemed strange that they didn't go to the bathroom. At first I thought, 'I don't need to brush my teeth after lunch. I don't usually...so why now?' But then, I realized that there's really no reason not to. I mean, why not? It makes your breath smell good, which it should if you're going to be teaching and talking to a bunch of students all afternoon. So, I joined the club and brought an extra toothbrush and tube of toothpaste to school! BUT, I felt self-conscious about public tooth brushing (when I brush my teeth, there's always toothpaste foam on my face!) so I just brushed in the bathroom. I thought it was so strange, yet entertaining, whenever students came into the staff room and teachers had conversations with them while they were still brushing their teeth. I'm talking about teachers with toothbrushes hanging out of their mouths and toothpaste nearly dripping while they murmur something about homework or the volleyball tournament to students. Whaaat?! Who does that? At some point I decided it wouldn't be so bad to brush my teeth in the staff room with everyone else...and more convenient. 'Now I'm one of them!!', I thought. Ha! THEN, one day I had my first verbal interaction with a student while I had a mouthful of toothpaste! ??!! I couldn't believe it! Did I really just do that? Who does that? (me!?) I was so amused at this. I thought I had gone as far as I could go in this progression of my Japanese school tooth brushing experience. I mean there are those teachers who talk on the phone while brushing their teeth, but I don't talk on the phone in the staff room...so I'd never join that club. However, I couldn't have anticipated what would happen last Thursday.

I'm standing next to my desk brushing my teeth. I've been brushing for awhile at this point, so my mouth is FULL of toothpaste...when unexpectedly this businesswoman-- who I've never met before, but who has been hanging out in the staff room intermittently for the past couple days-- walks up to me and says, "Mya San?" Eh?! (How does she know my name?) "はい　Hai", I nod. She introduces herself, so I bow and smile and mumble, "よろしくお願いします。Yoroshiku onegaishimasu" (nice to meet you). Then she pulls out a small package of Kleenex like ones I'd seen her give to other people. (Oh, she's just gonna give me Kleenex.) Wrong!! She shows me that the Kleenex are in a Hello Kitty package and asks me in Japanese if I know of Hello Kitty. "Hai." She tells me that Hello Kitty is the mascot for blah-blah-blah. I don't know the last few words she said, so I ask, "それは何ですか　Sore wa nan desuka?" She tells me that it's the name of her company. "ああわかりました　Aah, wakarimashita." She proceeds to tell me that Hello Kitty is famous. I concur and tell her, "アメリカでもゆめいです。　America demo yumei desu." It's at this point that I wonder if any of the surrounding teachers have noticed this conversation. It's so comical to me all of a sudden. I begin to chuckle as I realize that I'm taking a survey about Hello Kitty IN JAPANESE while brushing my teeth (and trying to keep the toothpaste from running down my chin)! Who walks up to someone while they're brushing their teeth at work to ask them about anything, let alone Hello Kitty?! Besides that-- who walks up to the obvious foreigner and assumes that she can, not only, understand and speak the foreign language, but that she can do so well enough to be understood with a mouthful of toothpaste? This is my real life. Next, she pulls out her clipboard to record my answers, then puts the Kleenex back into her bag, thanks me, and walks away. Whaaaat?! I really wanted those! Are you kidding?! All this, and I don't even get the Kleenex?

today at the copier

oh gosh-- there are a million stories i wanted to tell in order to "catch up" to life now. but it's not realistic at this point, so i'm just gonna tell current stories and fill in the others when i have free time.

today. today was the first day that some of my students-- 9th graders-- found out the results of their first entrance exams for high school. ugh! i was worried about them while i was home on break-- knowing that by the time i arrived back, some of them would have already taken their first exam-- which to them is (seemingly) the most crucial moment of their lives. the stress!!! they must study like crazy, CRAZY to get into a good high school so they can get into a good college so they can get a job at a good company and be secure for the rest of their lives. (this is what they think. i think this is what they think.) aaah! they're 14 and 15! they're kids, but the stress and pressure they feel FAR surpasses their years. (sigh) it makes me really sad. i asked many of them, yesterday and today, if they'd taken their first exam yet, and if so, how it went. almost everyone said the exams were very difficult. one of the top students (well, i think he's a top student...because he speaks english very well, and i figure english must be the toughest subject they have) told me that he didn't pass his exam. i was really shocked. i didn't know what to say...he was obviously really disheartened. i asked Sutou Sensei-- the 9th grade english teacher-- about it later, and she said he didn't even know the test results yet, that he must have just been worried that he didn't pass, so he said he didn't. i was relieved, yet even more stunned...that his discouraged response wasn't even based on fact, just his intense fear of not passing. Sutou Sensei thinks he'll pass; i really REALLY hope so. man, i am overwhelmed FOR these kids. the fatalistic mindset of "pass these exams, or fail life" seems pretty prevalently held. it just so happened-- to my great delight, yet coinciding discomfort-- that i needed to make copies (at the copy machine near Kochoo Sensei's (principal) office door) this afternoon at the same time that students were going in one-by-one to receive their results...i got to watch their faces as they emerged from his office. some were beaming smiles. others were stunned...faces pink with embarassment. some hung their heads. Shiro saw me looking through the window from the copier into the hall, and when i raised my eyebrows at him to ask, "so...???" he gave me a big smile and a thumbs up. :) YESSSS!!!! i was sooo thrilled! Achi exchanged happy bows (the verb: bow, rhyming with cow; not something girls wear in their hair) with a couple teachers who happened to be in the hall when he passed by. i was happy, and not at all surprised. i think he'd pass any test he took. Kouki talked with Sutou Sensei and Suzuki Sensei in the hall for quite awhile. his face was serious, and so were theirs. were they giving him advice?-- i wondered. options for what to do now?-- now that he likely didn't pass his first exam. i was really thankful that i needed to be at the copier at that time, because otherwise i would have just been sitting at my desk staring longingly through the window, wishing i had a better view of what was going on. it was like a roller coaster ride. exciting and terrifying. i mean, my heart sank when i saw those faces of defeat. i love these kids. i so want them to know the peace of Jesus deep in their hearts and to know that their worth and identity really aren't at all about whether the test results are 良かった (yokatta) or だめです (dame desu).